The Grief of Losing a Parent Is Complex — Here's How to Start Navigating It
Death can feel almost unbelievable, especially when it occurs in a parent whose presence in your life may have never faltered. You had finished growing up and reached adulthood, but you still needed (and expected) your parents for many years to come. Even if their death was expected, the loss of their support, guidance, and love could leave a huge void and pain that may seem impossible to heal. Alternatively, perhaps you and your parent were estranged or had a complicated relationship, resulting in a roller coaster of conflicting emotions.
Nonetheless, the rest of the world expects you to quickly recover from your grief, especially after the prescribed three days of bereavement leave, perhaps padded with a few extra days of personal time and returning to work.
There is no perfect way to mourn the death of a parent, but these strategies can get you back on track as you begin to accept the loss.
What you feel is valid
Sadness is natural following the death of a parent, but it is also normal to feel other emotions. It's okay if you don't feel sad. Maybe you're just numb or relieved they're no longer in pain. Grief unleashes a torrent of complicated, often conflicting emotions. Your relationship with your parent may have been difficult, but it was still an important part of your identity.
They either created you or chose to adopt and raise you, becoming your first anchor in the world.
It's natural to struggle or have difficulty coming to terms with your grief after such a significant loss.
Anger or frustration, guilt, possibly for not communicating with them frequently or for not being present at their death, shock and emotional numbness, confusion, disbelief, or a sense of unreality, physical pain, mental health symptoms, including depression or suicidal ideation, relief that they are no longer in pain
Allow yourself fully experience the loss (no matter how long it takes)
People react to grief in various ways, but it is critical to allow yourself to feel all of your emotions. There is no single way to grieve, no set amount of time after which you should expect to feel better, and no stages or steps of grief to check off a list. This cannot be easy to accept on its own. Denying your emotions may appear to be a faster way to heal. You may also get the impression that others expect you to bury your grief and move on before you've fully accepted your loss.
Remind yourself that grieving is a difficult and painful process. You may have had more time to prepare if your parent died after a long illness, but no amount of preparation will make your grief any less intense when it hits. You may still be stunned and disbelieving, especially if you hoped for their recovery right up until the end.
The untimely death of a parent in their forties, on the other hand, may force you to question your mortality, a battle that can further complicate grief.
Share memories
Sharing stories with family members and other loved ones about what your parent meant to you can help keep their memory alive.
If you have children, you may tell them stories about their grandparents or carry on family traditions from your childhood.
It may be painful to reminisce at first, but you may find that your grief begins to ease as the stories start to flow.
If you cannot openly discuss your parent at this time, collecting photographs of special times or writing them a letter expressing your grief over their death can help.
Of course, not everyone has fond memories of their parents. Furthermore, people frequently avoid sharing negative memories of people who have died. If they abused, neglected, or hurt you in any way, you might wonder if it's worth bringing up old wounds.
However, if you have never discussed or processed what happened, you may find it even more challenging to heal and move on after their death. Opening up to a therapist or someone you trust can help ease the burden.
Take care of your well-being
Grief frequently impacts daily life: your mental state may change suddenly and without warning. You may experience sleep issues, an increase or decrease in appetite, irritability, poor concentration, or increased alcohol or substance use. You may find it challenging to work, care for your household, or meet your own basic needs.
Some people find comfort by distracting themselves with work, but if at all possible, avoid forcing yourself to return before you are ready. To avoid the ever-present wall of painful emotions, people frequently throw themselves into work, taking on more than they can comfortably handle.
Finding a happy medium is essential. Some distractions can be beneficial, as long as you also make time to address your feelings.
Devoting time to self-care may appear difficult, if not inconsiderate, but prioritizing your health becomes even more important as you recover from your loss.
Keep the following suggestions in mind:
Get enough rest. Allow 7 to 9 hours of sleep per night.
Try not to skip meals. Choose nutritious snacks and small meals of mood-boosting foods if you don't feel hungry.
Hydrate. Consume plenty of water.
Continue to move. Stay active to keep yourself energized and your spirits high. A daily walk can also help.
Strive for balance. If you drink alcohol, try to stick to the recommended limits. It is understandable to want to numb your pain, but excessive alcohol consumption can negatively affect your health.
Reset. Relax and recharge with enjoyable hobbies like gardening, reading, art, or music.
Discuss any new physical or mental health symptoms with your healthcare provider. Seek the help of friends and family members.
Do something in their memory
Many people believe that certain actions can help to honor and comfort a deceased parent.
Consider making a small home memorial with photos and mementos, planting their favorite flower in your backyard, adopting their pet or plants, and carrying on with work they found meaningful, such as volunteering or other community service or donating to a favorite charity or organization
Forgive them
When you learn that an estranged parent has died, you may feel lost, numb, angry, or surprised by your grief. You may feel cheated out of the chance to address past trauma or unresolved hurt.
Life does not always provide us with the answers or solutions we seek. Sometimes you have to accept incomplete conclusions, no matter how painful they are.
Knowing you can't address the past may make you feel as if you're doomed to carry the pain for the rest of your life. Instead of clinging to any lingering resentment, see this as an opportunity to let go of the past and move forward for your sake. Some things are difficult to forgive, but holding grudges only harms you because no one is left to receive them.
A letter can help you express previously unsaid feelings and take the first steps toward processing the painful and complex feelings left behind by their death. Talking to a therapist can also help you begin to heal from past wounds.
Let others comfort you
Loved ones may not know what to say if they haven't experienced the same loss, but their presence can help you feel less alone. It's natural to need time to mourn privately, but completely isolating yourself usually doesn't help. The love of those closest to you can help you cope with your loss.
Friends can help with meals, child care, and errands and provide a supportive presence.
Just make sure to communicate your requirements to others.
If you want to talk to friends about your parent, you should see if they can listen. If you're taking a break from thinking about their death, invite them to join you in a distracting activity, such as playing a game, watching a movie, or working on a house project.
Embrace family relationships
Following your parent's death, you may notice a shift in family dynamics. If your remaining parent is still alive, they may now turn to you and your siblings for assistance. If you have any, your siblings are going through the same thing. Their special relationship with your parent may cause them to feel the loss differently than you do.
According to research, the death of a parent often has a negative impact on the closeness of adult siblings. It's not uncommon for siblings to clash or gradually drift apart, especially if you disagree about your parent's end-of-life care. However, family bonds can provide solace during times of grief. You've both suffered the same loss, even if that person meant different things.
If you value your family relationships, make an effort to strengthen them and bring them closer together. This could imply reaching out more frequently than in the past or inviting them to visit and participate in family gatherings regularly. It can also mean listening with empathy when a sibling who had a problematic relationship with your parent now struggles to reconcile their conflicting emotions.
Consider grief support groups
Friends and family can provide comfort, but a grief support group can fill a different kind of void by connecting you with others who have suffered similar losses. It's natural to become irritated or frustrated when people in your life who haven't experienced loss try to console you or express concern. They don't understand what you're going through, no matter how kind or well-intended their words are.
You can find common ground and validation for emotions that you cannot express to others in a support group.
Talk to a therapist
There is no shame in requiring additional assistance as you process your parent's death. Many counselors specialize in grief counseling. A therapist can provide validation and direction as you begin to work through the complex emotions that often accompany grief. Grief counselors can also teach you coping strategies to help you adjust to life without your parent. Therapy also provides a safe space to process any guilt, anger, resentment, or other lingering emotions associated with a deceased parent's toxic or hurtful behavior and achieve some level of closure. A therapist can offer compassionate support if you want to forgive your parent but don't know where to start.