HELPING SOMEONE GRIEVE THE DEATH OF A SPOUSE
Since couples work as a team, the death of a spouse can present a complex set of challenges for the grieving person. These issues extend beyond dealing with their grief because the surviving spouse may require immediate assistance with basic daily responsibilities.
The surviving spouse may need to quickly learn about finances, home or auto maintenance, or household chores based on how the couple divided their responsibilities. Transportation and child care may cause immediate difficulties. Relocation may be necessary, especially if the couple is elderly. In short, the loss of a spouse raises a slew of issues that must be addressed.
When assisting someone in grieving the death of a spouse, you must be patient, compassionate, and understanding, as you would with any other death. Not only is the person responsible for everything that two people used to do, but they have also lost a life companion. For older couples who have been together for a long time, social interaction may be limited. This can result in loneliness and depression.
Everyone grieves differently and on their timetable, regardless of age or length of the relationship. Your role is to assist, listen with understanding, and be patient. You can help the grieving fill their time, take over chores, or be present to hear their spouse's story one more time.
What NOT to do when Helping Someone Grieving the Death of a Spouse
Don't disappear: Many people will undoubtedly be around to keep the bereaved company and help leading up to the funeral or memorial service. People will return to their everyday lives following the service. This is when your friend or loved one requires your assistance the most. Maintain your availability for as long as possible. You can also encourage friends to drop by and call frequently.
Don't press for details: Allow the bereaved to express their feelings about their loved one. Listen carefully. Elderly spouses, in particular, will most likely want to talk about their spouses and tell stories about them. Encourage them to share their memories by writing or recording them.
Don't try to control the situation: You may be tempted to take charge of all planning activities. This may be appropriate depending on the situation, but keep in mind the feelings of the person grieving the death of a spouse. To work through grief, they may need to maintain control.
Avoid imposing a timetable: Everyone heals at their own pace. Things may never go "back to normal" in a specific timeframe. Consult a professional if you are worried that the bereaved is not healing.
Avoid bringing up other people's losses: Allow the spouse to focus on their own. Attempting to relate what the person is going through to yourself or someone else is ineffective and may give the impression that you dismiss how the person is feeling.
Do not pressure your spouse to "move on": Everyone's grief is distinct. When the bereaved person is ready, they will remove their wedding band or clean out the deceased's belongings. When that time comes, keep their feelings in mind.
Don't say, "You should be strong now for your children (or business)."
"You are lucky you have children."
"Do you plan on getting married again?"
"Are you going to relocate?"
"God doesn't give you more than you can bear."
"You look fantastic. I'm confident you'll meet someone soon."
What to do when Helping Someone Grieving the Death of a Spouse
Be available: Sometimes, the best way to help someone grieving the death of a spouse is to be present. Allow them to express their emotions. Don't worry about how you'll react; try to be understanding. It is good to spend as much time with the elderly without being intrusive.
Be patient: Even if you've already heard a story, listen again. Expect fits and starts as well. You might have thought your friend or loved one had turned a corner, only to discover that they had taken a few steps back. This is entirely natural.
Address the deceased by name: While it may be tempting to avoid discussing the deceased, failing to do so may make it appear as if they never existed. Do not avoid the subject unless the bereaved is uncomfortable talking about it.
Assist with arrangements or chores: If you know of a task that would benefit the bereaved, complete it. You can offer assistance, but many people will be hesitant to accept it. Take the initiative and do something that will help–yard work, cooking, cleaning, transportation. Inform them that you are willing to watch their children if they require some alone time or other assistance.
Send flowers and a note, or donate to a worthy charity or research organization: Thoughtful recognition is almost always appreciated. The sentiments listed below are examples of what you can include.
"It's a shame he/she died." I'll never forget them."
"It's heartbreaking. That sounds extremely difficult."
"I'm sorry for your loss. We genuinely care about and love you."
Stay in touch: Send cards regularly, and remember birthdays and anniversaries. Continue to lend a hand. Invite the person out frequently, but don't expect every invitation to be accepted. It may be reassuring to be at home in familiar surroundings.
One of the most devastating losses is the loss of a life partner. Your understanding will go a long way toward easing their grief. You should also advise the bereaved to seek therapy, even if they do not believe they require it. There are numerous online networks for widows and widowers. Nearly all communities have access to support groups and professional counselors.